Lessons from the Gravy Goddess

It’s interesting that I spent years as a counselor, knowing just what to say, how to say it, and when to say it. Even now, as a Public Speaking Professor and Conscious Communication Coach, I help others to find their voice and to express themselves in the best way possible. However, at one time, I used to suffer from “Foot in Mouth Disease.” One of the worst episodes occurred back in the 1990’s, when I was a counselor at a community mental health center. 

As a novice therapist, I had been taken under the wing by Suzanne Tignor, LCSW. Suzanne was a skilled and gifted therapist, a warm and loving wife and mother, a supportive mentor, and an amazing friend. We truly enjoyed working together, infusing our day with laughter, dancing, singing, and swapping of life stories. We both loved the office in which we worked, and, along with our colleagues, we enjoyed any opportunity to celebrate with food. Therefore, we had several potlucks, not just for the major holidays, but for birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, baby arrivals, departures for other jobs—you name it.

Our potlucks were true celebrations, and the energy ran high on those days. Clients entering into our center salivated in response to the succulent aromas wafting from our conference and break rooms. The staff was just as affected—it took a lot of energy to focus on the task at hand, and not be distracted by the smells and anticipation of the tastes of the delicacies so lovingly prepared by all.

Suzanne was a gourmet goddess, inspired by her French-Canadian ancestry. I learned much about food from her, and delighted in her dishes, adapting some of her recipes for use today. On one particular Wednesday, we were observing the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday with the usual—food! Suzanne was in the break room, heating up luscious-looking gravy to accompany her roasted turkey. In a moment of excitement, I began to dance and sing a childhood chant, “Gravy, gravy, you’re a bald-headed baby!” As soon as the words fell from my lips I stopped in horror, staring at Suzanne.

You see, Suzanne was in the midst of chemotherapy treatments for breast cancer. She was indeed bald, and she alternated between wearing funky hats (we joined her in this), and wearing a wig.  That day was wig day, and in my excitement of the celebration, I was able to forget, for a moment, that my dear friend and mentor was in a fight for her life.

Always gracious, and full of humor, Suzanne saw my dismay and shocked me—she pulled off her wig, said, “Yes, I am!” and cracked up laughing. Full, clutching-her-stomach, belly laughs.  I felt horrible for inserting my foot so far down my throat, but she was getting a big kick out of my faux pas. After a few moments, I, too, joined her in the laughter, and we peppered our Thanksgiving meal with fits of giggles.

For years afterward, when I had left the counseling world, Suzanne was out in private practice, then I had left the area, and Suzanne was once again battling cancer, we spoke of the gravy incident. And I felt full of love and joy for having this amazing woman in my life. Even when I learned that Suzanne succumbed to cancer a few years ago, I knew she lived every moment to the fullest, and I couldn’t grieve for long. I was and still am so grateful to have known, loved, and learned from her for so many years.

Suzanne left a husband, three children, and some grandchildren to carry on her legacy. However, her  response to my unconscious bit of silliness, in the midst of her cancer battle, left me with some valuable lessons:

1.  “Laughter is the best medicine.” We throw out this phrase all the time, but research has documented the health benefits of laughter. I know we did our part to strengthen Suzanne’s immune system, boost her energy, diminish pain, and alleviate stress—all laughter side effects, according to helpguide.org, and certainly relevant for her healing journey. My takeaway was to dose myself daily with several injections of laughter. If nothing else, the release of endorphins helps me feel good!
2.  “Be impeccable with your word.” It was years later that I read in Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreement about how our unconscious use of words can have the power to hurt. Even in the midst of my laughter, I was sobered to think that something I said could have potentially harmed someone so dear to me. To this day I do my best to be loving and truthful, even in joking situations.
3. “Kiss the joy as it flies by.” I don’t remember at that time Suzanne ever mentioning that this quote was taken from the poem by William Blake. However this was her mantra for years, and I began picking it up. In that moment when I could have had a boat of gravy thrown in my face, Suzanne made a choice not to react from a place of hurt, or offense. She chose joy! This has taught me to consciously choose joy in every situation to the point that even when I try to wallow in pain, grief, anger,  and other less pleasant emotions, I cannot stay there long—I catch sight of Joy as she flaps her wings and I hurry to pucker up for a big fat kiss!

Although I rarely make or even eat gravy now, just the sight of it triggers thoughts of my soul sister, Suzanne, the gravy goddess. I smile, reminisce on our ten years of working together, and thank Spirit for her powerful impact on my life.